Things I Notice

Lately I've been noticing how men treat their wives and girlfriends as if they are naughty, stupid children.  If a man's spouse or significant female other disagrees with him or has an idea that he doesn't like he talks to her as if she can't possibly understand what he's trying to say.  He talks slowly, loudly and enunciates his words sometimes drawing out the syllables.  When I was with my husband for almost 20 years I was also treated this way sometimes in front of my children or other people.  It was humiliating and embarrassing and I don't know why I put up with it for so long.  At some point I began to really resent it and would yell back or talk the same way back to him.
I have a friend who has to ask permission from her husband before she can plan anything.  I'm finding out that his answer is almost always "no" at first and then he softens over time and will allow her to go shopping or have a friend over for dinner but on his time and not hers.  Her life is not her own and she is not allowed to make any decisions.  When he says no and then turns around to "give" her a little piece of what she wanted it makes it seem like he's just a prince who selflessly GAVE her something or LET HER do something.  It makes me feel sorry for her and angry at her at the same time.
I don't think I will ever have a relationship with a man again.  Nothing about them is attractive to me anymore.  I don't want or need a man's opinions of myself or anything else in my life.  I may change my mind at some point but it's something I just can't see myself doing again.

Happenings

Well, a lot has happened since I last wrote here.  I found an apartment and moved out with my children.  I took a lot of furniture from the old house but my home now still feels empty of material things.  Some days I just want to shop and fill it all up but for some reason I can't.  I don't think this is going to be a resting place for long and my mind knows that.  The love and free-ness is wonderful, though.  I have one son living with me now and the other one comes home from being incarcerated next month.  I hope he feels the HOPE in our new home.  I do know he's very excited to come home to a new environment.
My divorce is happening as I write.  The first hurdle, spousal support, is behind me and my lawyer is a wonderful, strong woman who knows what I need and speaks and acts for me as I would do for myself if I had the guts.  I am so lucky to have found her and when this is all over with I'll let her know how much her service has meant to me.  I know she makes an awful lot of money but really, she has gone above and beyond already in this short time.  She does not call me with every little thing but acts in my best interests which is wonderful because sometime I don't even do that for myself.  Never underestimate a woman.  Seriously.  Lethal.
Many friends whom I have not seen or heard from in a very long time have come forward to lend support, let me know I'm doing the right thing (and most think I should have done it a long time ago) and make sure I'm not stewing in depression or left alone too long.  I appreciate all of these friends and it shows me that I have had very good taste in choosing the few good friends I've had all of these years.
Family have also rallied.  Not one family member was surprised but all were relieved and happy about my decision and are happy that my life is about to begin, finally.
I have enrolled in college and had a very high score on an admissions test.  I was paraded around the campus feeling wonderful and smart!  They even tried to get me to enroll in a more intensive program but it wouldn't fit in with my goals.  Financials went through without a hitch.  It seems that newly separated homemakers are given priority status for a student loan.  I've always wanted to go to college and at 48 years old I start next month. How exciting is that??!!
Everything seems golden right now and coated with a thick layer of sparkly, crystalized sugar.  All I can think about is wiping this smug smile off my face because it'll all come crashing down on me soon enough.  Right?

The Process

The entire process for my divorce is in kind of a stand still.  I met with my lawyer and she asked me for lots of copies of financial stuff.  I dropped that off with her assistant and then met with her again to sign the papers.  Now the papers are sent to the court and a date is set and my husband will get served with the divorce papers.  He then has 20 days to get a lawyer or not, whatever he decides.  That's all I know right now. 
My husband seems really pissed off that I got a lawyer instead of mediation.  I think he had a plan all ready to overpower me and give me just enough to placate me but not half.  I smell scheming going on. 
On my end, I've found a place to live and am just waiting for my application to be approved and to go and get the keys.  If I get this place I'll move in next week.

Harder Than I Thought

All of this is much harder than I thought in every possible way.  How do I explain to my 13 year old boy that I am divorcing his father and moving him and I to a new house?  How do I know how much the judge will award me for child support and spousal maintenance so I can rent a house and move out?  How do I know if my plans for a future career will work out and even if I'll like the career that I choose to pursue?  How will I support myself and my children after a lifetime of being supported?
Right now I just know that I'm doing the right thing by leaving this marriage and man. The rest will have to wait. 

A Lot of Stuff

In twenty years a couple with two kids can accumulate a lot of stuff.  It's mind boggling to look around our house and see all of it.  Wondering what to do with it all.  Will I be allowed to take some of it?  Will I have to buy all new stuff and where does that  money come from?  It's all just so complicated and confusing right now. 

Lawyers or Mediation?

At first I was dead set against getting lawyers to fight this out. 
A friend made me realize that to just take child support and go would be short-changing myself.  After all, I've made it possible for this man to make the money for all of these years.  He travels for work and I stay at home and take care of the house, kids, animals, etc.  I manage all of the household finances.  When he comes home to a clean house and a hot meal, I do his laundry, clean up after him, make sure our children are where they are supposed to be, looking good, clean and healthy. 
I have been taking care of him for 20 years.  I am now considered unskilled and aged out of the workplace. 
What other choice do I have?

Drug Use

My husband has a drug problem and I knew this when I married him.  My mistake and a stupid one, I know.  He said he'd stop when we got married, then when we had children, then before the kids were old enough to know better.  He thinks marijuana is a harmless drug and will "educate" you about it if need be.  I'll tell you how innocuous it really is.  It's one of the main reasons I'm divorcing this man.  My oldest son is in a recovery program for drug users at a teen jail.  He first saw his father smoking pot when he was about 9.  My husband never told me, if he had it would have ended our marriage right then.  I found this out after my son's first felony drug conviction when he was in 9th grade.  My son yelled, "YOU MARRIED A POT SMOKER, WHY DO YOU LET HIM AND NOT ME?"  I had no answer. What could I possibly have said to that? 

The Talk

Me: Can you talk for a few minutes?
Him: sure (didn't turn off tv or even look at me)
Me: Where are you, in your head, about us divorcing.
Him: I'm not making a move until you do.  I know you don't want to be with me any more. 
Me: I'm not asking about that, I want to know if you're ready emotionally.  Emotionally, where are you?  Are you ready?
Him: In the state of (my state) the such and such and so and so
Me: (breaking in) All that can be figured out later, I really need to know if you are ready for a divorce.
Him: Well like I was saying when you interrupted, in the state of ( our state) the such and such and so and so 
Me: (breaking in, again) I really don't want to talk about that and that isn't important right now.  Are you willing to visit with a mediator?
Him: What's a mediator?
Me: It's a person who draws up the papers without a fight, they find out what is acceptable between both parties and keep it out of court.  It costs less and is much more friendly, so we wouldn't be fighting, with lawyers, in court.
Him: I don't have any fight in me.  The point is that in the state of (our state) the such and such and so and so
Me: (breaking in, again) Are you willing to meet with a mediator?
Him: Ok

He is always trying to out-talk me and I used to let it happen and not know what to do about it.  He could be a lawyer himself the way he argues about every thing.  I used to stand there (or sit there) red faced as he did this in front of people I cared about, embarrassed.  Now I sigh heavily and ignore it, never answering but letting him go on and on while my eyes (and everyone elses) glaze over. 

Why Does a Woman Marry a Controlling Man?

I only know why I did.  I married him because he was financially stable, had nice parents that I could imagine dealing with for many years, we were both ready for marriage and because he could make me orgasm.  That's the truth. 
Now he screams in my face that I should GET A FUCKING JOB, his mother has passed away (but his father and I are still close) and we haven't had sex in almost 2 years. 

The Beginning

I should have known 20 years ago what I was getting in to.  We looked at different venues for our wedding but ultimately ended up getting married in the church of his faith, which he doesn't practice. He said it was because it would kill his parents if we didn't get married in the "family" church.  It turned out that they didn't care, it was a lie.  My father-in-law-to-be picked up the forms for my registration and although it wasn't at a store that sold my style of things, my husband told me his father would be very hurt if I didn't register there.  I did and I've hated my dishes for 20 years.  My husband to be told everyone at our wedding that "there would be no divorce, only a funeral".  We went on the honeymoon of his dreams that he had planned long before we even met.  It was wonderful, maybe a little over-the-top which many women would have loved but I wanted to go to the Poconos, an old fashioned, romantic, simple honeymoon. This is how it went for the next 20 years. 

Coming Soon!

The Beginning of the End